Ordo Ab Chao

Satisfaction:

Can we ever get our fill?

There’s something missing.

I always feel this way.

There’s something eating at me-

“that constant gnawing sense of having had and lost some infinite thing.”

I’m not missing a God or a certain ending- I don’t think.

There is just this part of me that doesn’t understand and doesn’t want to because of my past.

I fear I won’t be “happy” again.

I don’t even know what that word means.

I’m always so fucking afraid of where I will end up;

not after this life but in it.

I’m afraid of “common fate,”

of living normally like my parents do,

like everyone else wants to.

AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT.

The only way I’m preventing it now is by not planning ahead.

But then my vision is wiped away.

I don’t know what I want because all I know is what I don’t want.

…Yet I figured something out this week.

I’ve never truly loved anything.

Nothing. It’s sad.

There are things, or people, or places, or times, laughs or memories that I “like” a lot or say “I love,”

but I have never loved them.

Nothing has ever felt right to me, like I don’t fit.

I keep such a distance. Being close to anything is terrifying.

Maybe finding a balance between being alone and being with others could fix this fear.

Not balancing by going away from myself and returning endlessly,

but by intertwining the two,

so I don’t feel so mad or alone in my own head.

I always feel alone.

and sometimes I fucking love it.

I don’t want anyone.

I don’t want to need anyone or anything.

But then I get to a point where I feel empty.

I can fill my head with as many thoughts as I want to

but where can I go to fill my so-called-heart?